Destined;

Do you ever get the notion that you are just destined for a particular thing in your life? Maybe it's that you're meant to have a specific job, or travel somewhere. For me, I feel like I hold a destiny to something that is so wonderful, yet so hard to come by. I know that I am destined to be deeply in love with one person from a young age, for my entire life. I feel that there is a story stitched into my soul that speaks of tender kisses, cozy nights, and other various ways of showering someone with love. However, this destiny has condemned me with lonely and heavy heart until the day that I find this person to fulfill my emptiness.

Up until recently I felt that I would never find that person. And now that I've met someone that could potentially be it, I'm scared out of my mind. He has all the power in the entire universe to knock me down, crush me, and leave me barely gasping for air. I feel as though without his touch or embrace my heart will sink into my stomach and my eyes will become lifeless and absent. As will my mind. I have such a passion in my soul to completely give myself over to another person, yet fear lurks in every corner of my mind. I don't know how I can change, and I definitely don't know how I can continue to live like this. I really just feel as though I'm crumbling and falling through the cracks of everything that I'm expecting my life to be. I just want to be happy... and I want to make someone else happy.

For the first time;

For the first time in my life I actually feel that something in my life is going right. I no longer feel useless and like everything I do has no point to it. For so long I've been looking for someone to live for; and right now I may have finally found that person. I've always dreamed of meeting "the one" like people do in movies. Smiling at someone from across the room; not being able to tear your gaze from them. Just having that feeling...just knowing that you need to talk to this person. I'd always thought this was a pipe dream; it doesn't happen and it definitely would never happen to me. Well, I don't usually like to admit this but... I was wrong about this one. Exactly what I just described happened to ME. Me of all people in the world.

From the moment I walked into the church for the wedding I was attending and I saw him, I knew that I had to talk to him. Oh and how coincidental that we ended up next to each other in line for communion. It wasn't until after the ceremony where I actually met him. When he shook my hand, he looked into my eyes and that was it for me. I was diving into oceans; drowning in them. I didn't realize until afterwards that I was so distracted that I didn't even hear him say his name... My dad chose to sit at the table that he and his family were at and I talked with him a little, and his parents as well. But all I could think was, "Was he looking at me?" Sure enough, we made eye contact a few times while sitting at the table. He left, I left; and I had to wait four hours until the reception when I could maybe get the chance to talk to him again. Well and also find out his name...

Upon arriving at the reception my father informed me of his name and that he was a junior in college; two years older than myself. So it was my big chance! Just go up and talk to him right?! Wrong. I kept chickening out the entire night to make my big move. I made eye contact with him throughout the entire night and even a couple smiles here and there. When he said hi to me, I just about fell over. Well that was mostly because of the five inch heels I was wearing... but anyways. I was excited because I had finally thought, oh my gosh he's interested! Until....I saw him bring another girl on the dance floor. It was of course the Civil War type dances, so nothing to be jealous of, but I just doubted that he was interested at that point. We did make eye contact again though as he circled around the dance floor and I just knew that if I didn't talk to him, I would forever regret it.

Finally, after putting myself under the utmost pressure for hours on end, I pretended to follow my dad into the bar area where he just happened to be walking and quite smoothly struck up a conversation. Well, he had helped with that part too... So it just kind of took off from there. He complimented my dress, belt, shoes; and I complimented his suspenders. We talked of our interests and to both our surprise we had much more in common than anticipated. We both enjoyed classical music, poetry, video games, and many other things. We talked for awhile, I don't even know how much time. But most importantly, he asked me to see him again; and of course I agreed! We exchanged numbers and little did I know the level of interest he had in me. I spent the car ride home giddy and uncertain, texting my best friend as if I were back in middle school. I then proceeded to talk to her on the phone for an hour while she reassured me that he was interested. I then contemplated when to text him if he didn't text me and just as I had decided to the next night if I didn't hear from him, an incoming text from him was received. I was speechless.

We talked that night from about 12:30 to 2:30 and he had just the most lovely things to say. When he said that I had the prettiest eyes, making it hard to say good bye; I just about fell over. And this time it wasn't because of the shoes I was wearing. He's sweet, charming, and has the most adorable side smirk smile that I've ever seen in my entire life. And lucky me, I get to see him tomorrow. So I leave you now with this story that is probably only wonderful to me, and really drawn out to you. But the point here is that I have the feeling that this will be the start of something really great for me. And hopefully he feels the same way in relevance to him as well.

And I'm just dreaming again;

Why do I always end up here? I always end up feeling lonely and just wanting someone there to change that. For the first time I thought that I was finding that person I needed, that I was finally connecting to someone that could change everything. That could make me feel worth something; and someone that I could share my love with. However, now I'm not so sure that that's true. Everything that I thought was a sign that he was actually interested, may just have been simple acts of kindness. I'm the one who's turning it into these fantasies of soon to be kisses and moments spent together. None of it actually exists yet... and I'm wondering if any of it ever will. I just wish I wasn't looking for someone so... desperately! I mean because of this I could be missing someone that's right there in front of me. I just can't help it though. I meant to give love and happiness to another person; I'm meant to spend my life with someone. And every person I meet, I dream of them being that person. This battle is impossible and I feel as if I'm just going to be another causality, another thing forgotten. My heart aches and is missing something vital; or someone vital. I thought that by being around so many new people I'd finally work up my courage and confidence, but it's actually worsening. I hope that I'm just paranoid. I hope that my fears don't become my reality, or worse; I hope my fears don't ruin reality. I guess all I can do is wait and see... who knows. Anything can happen, right?

Sweet mornings

It's mornings like these that make me forget all that I've lost and all the pain I've felt. Your arms are wrapped around me, protecting me from the past and your touch protects me from my adverse thoughts. We woke up by each other this morning our noses touching, fingers entwined; forgetting the world around us. If I could freeze any moment and keep it forever I'd keep this one. The way sleep clouds your gaze, your soft touch running through my hair and down my neck; the only word to describe how I feel right now is content. And that is just the surface; I don't think that the right words even exist to explain what is going through my mind. You see right past how broken I am and you breathe new life into me. You're the only one who has the power to make me feel alive again, or make me feel at all for that matter. So long I've been seeing destruction and hopelessness in everything; but now you've given me new perspective. It's the afternoon and I'm no longer in your arms. I can feel sadness creeping up my back once again; but I don't worry because I know I'll be laying next to you again soon. Safe once again from my own subversion.

Last few moments;

Here I sit in my empty room; ghosts of the past and present float around my head. The future is teasing me, so very near: yet excitement hasn't completely overcome me. Who could be excited to leave a life with friends and family who understand you better than you understand yourself? Who have seen you at your absolute worst and they're still around... I know it's hard for me. However we all get to this point in our life where looking back is no longer an option, and looking forward is a necessity. For those who dwell on the past only waste their future. I am not one to waste, I am not one to squander; I am not one to let so many opportunities slip through the new, untethered flesh of my hands. I want to live a life that is neither ordinary, nor extraordinary. My goal isn't to make a million dollars, or become the face of some over priced product, but I would like to touch other peoples lives in an inspirational way. To be so inspiring that people let my words, my soul, penetrate into their hearts and bring new perspectives into their ways of thinking and feeling. So as I lay here on the last night before I move into college, I do not dwell on what I leave behind: I know those who love me will remain there supporting me. But I do let excitement overcome me. Excitement for a new life, with wonderful people, new love, and fulfillment of dreams; and whatever else the future holds for me.

Another poem,

You're haunting me,
Hiding in every corner of my mind.
Just when I thought you were gone,
I hear that same tired song.

You took my light love,
It even left me for you.
Everything that mattered to me,
Is washed up in the cold, dark waters.

All that I loved,
All that I lived for;
Lies in Boston with you.

So I'll go now,
Run to the west coast and maybe,
Maybe I can learn to live,
Without you.

Some poems for you;

So here are a collection of poems I've written. Some old, some new. Tell me what you think!

8/16/11
 I don't want to be loved, I want to inspire love.
I want to be a necessity for love,
Essential and desired.

8/16/11
I just want to experience this life.
No more holding me back.
I'm diving into this world alone.
It could end tragically,
Or wonderfully.
But here I come world.
Fate will find my home
in this unforgiving,
yet beautiful place.
I may not make it alive,
But I'll have truly lived.


That was some older stuff i recently stumbled upon, but here are some of my new pieces. Which do you like better?

7/30/12
You were only here
From sunrise to sunset.
Yet I wish it was
Summer to spring,
and again.
Summer to spring.

Your words fade each day,
And the distance between us
grows longer.
The absence stronger.

I wish you were here with me,
Today.
But you've been gone so long.
So many things left to say,
But you're nowhere near to hear.

I loved you, but
I don't think you loved me.
I want to love again,
But my love for you won't let me.


This is my favorite that I've written in awhile;
7/30/12

Today was a day,
where your oceans turned dark.
The cool blue pierced me,
chilled me deep into my restless soul.

The warmth of your sun,
is absent.
The warmth of my love,
is fading.

Dark days are passing,
and a cold rain touches my face.
All I want is for your love,
your love to come back again.

The emptiness I feel,
compares to the blackest of all the night skies.
Stars of hope glimmer in existence,
but the sun.

It always rises.

First look,

So I've never posted one of my original poems on here, so I thought. Why the heck not! Well here it goes, tell me what you think!

First Look

The earth spins, but sometimes your own world stops.
One breath takes years,
One step, a lifetime.

A pulse starts strong in your chest.
Moves through your veins, piercing the soul.
Another step, another lifetime.

A lurking destination;
temptation to run, instinct to flee.
Then that severed soul awakens,
clawing to the surface of the skin.

It begs for liberation,
It cries for the deepest of desires.
It screams for you.

It craves your touch, your kiss,
the absolute rawest emotions of your being.

But once again the soul is silenced.
Pushed under layers and layers of
self destruction and bitter anger.

One day that world will stop again.
And that soul will be fulfilled.
Until that day it remains caged.
Protected from the truth of my world.

Life's Choices

In every person's life, there comes a time where you need to make decisions despite the emotional toll it may have on you. And while some may argue life gets easier with age, they're wrong. Life gets easier for the people who take the easy way out. Who don't admit the truth to themselves, and who ultimately live among numerous regrets that in turn haunt them forever. While their lives may be easy, they sure are not happy. When you meet someone, it is all about timing. For the most part, if timing is off then it is most likely not meant to be. You'll feel reluctant and hesitant to continue with the relationship, and that is the ultimate sign that it's over. When you're in love, there is no question. You won't care about meeting someone else, or sacrificing your dreams for that person. That is "the end of life as you know it," and no one should be able to change that. So when looking for love, realize that you deserve that person that ruins you for all others. Never settle because you fear loneliness; happiness never stems out of fear. So take risks, make mistakes. Let go if you're unsure about someone. I've once heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder; and if that's true I know of someone who will be waiting for me to make some more mistakes with.

What Love Can Do

Everyone has heard about this thing called "love," but when asked to define it...what does one say? Love is specific to each person who feels it. Love can mean sacrifice, it can mean desire. It could mean as much as a lifetime together or as little as one kiss. It has no limits, no boundaries. You can't tell love no, and you can't tell it to leave. It is something you learn to live with, even if you don't live with that person. I've grown to learn that love fades over time, but it will always tear at certain strings in your heart; reminding you of the past and giving you a glimpse of what you once had. While love can mean heartbreak, it most importantly means hope. When I think of loving someone, I think of my future. A lifetime spent in bliss and romance; building a family off of love. Love can make you crazy, but in the end love is what makes life go on.

Liberation

Why is it that every time I get back to normal or my mind becomes at ease, something comes along and messes it all up again! I mean not that it's a bad thing this time; finally. I'm so tired of feeling sad or sorry for myself. So now I'm taking charge of my life. No longer will I let anyone walk on me or ruin my day or week. I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin. Instead of fearing the future, I now look forward with excitement. No longer will I be confined in the walls I've built around myself that have restricted me for so many years... What a liberating experience! Talking to some of my future college classmates has made me come to the realization that I'm not going to be alone. That there are actually plenty of people out there in the world that share my belief and values. While it was ignorant of me before to think that I would be alone, I've reassured myself of the truth that I won't. I know some of my blog followers aren't at this point in their lives; where you're leaving home and starting your independent life...but that doesn't mean you should wait until then to find yourself. It didn't happen for me until now, but honestly, that was entirely too long. For the past three years, I feared loving and living, and I didn't trust my heart with anyone. Don't put yourself through that. Life is about learning. We all make mistakes so don't restrict yourself from something in fear of making a mistake. But most importantly, never let anyone tell you that you are too young to fall in love. Love is timeless. Love is ageless. No one but you can dictate what your heart feels. So get out there, live your life. What's stopping you?

Can't Take This.

I can't take this anymore, there's just too much pain to be able to withstand. There is a hole burning through my chest where my heart once existed. I don't understand how it came to this...I guess I've done this to myself. I pushed you away when I was weak, and now I guess I'll have to pay for that. I'm so sorry for everything; I was wrong. I thought I was branching out and growing up so I no longer needed you. But that was when I really needed you the most. I want someone to share my life with. Without someone to talk to, everything I do is meaningless. My accomplishments feel empty and worthless. I never wanted to hurt you, but I guess I did. Please just listen to me when I say that I still love you. I never stopped loving you. And I don't know if I ever will. I don't think you feel the same way anymore, but I understand that. I had a chance and I blew it. I don't deserve you..no you're too good for me. I was broken before I met you and I carried that along with me. It was my fault for us ending, and now I'm paying the price for that. Whenever you need a friend, I'll be there for you. I'm not going anywhere and please remember that. As for me, I'll always be broken. There will always be a little piece of emptiness that lives inside of me. But I know that no matter what, I'll never be alone. I am God's child and he loves me no matter the mistakes I've made, or the paths that I should've, but have not taken. So I suppose this is goodbye for now, but I'll never be able to say goodbye forever.

Just Waiting.

I'm sitting in the library during study hall right now and my mind can't rest. I can't help but think how none of this is what I really want. And right now I feel stuck. Stuck in the life I've created for myself. The more I reflect on the person I am, the more I realize that I'm the only one standing in the way of the person I want to be. I always feel so alone, so isolated from everyone and I've never really understood why. But I think I'm starting to figure it out; I'm the one pulling away. I'm pulling away from the life I've made because I know it isn't truly a hundred percent who I am. Yet I fail to express the person that really exists inside of me because I'm scared to admit who that person is. I'm afraid I won't be accepted, but mostly I'm afraid that I'll never be loved. And in my fear I'm creating this wall. This indestructible barrier that is slowly withdrawing me further and further away from reality. I'm just starting my adult life and I can't afford to live it any other way than being true to myself. We only get one shot at this whole thing, and I don't want to screw it up and live a life full of regrets. From this point on, I free myself from living life as a coward. I need to break out; I need to live. I want to experience so much of the world and that's never going to happen if I don't believe in myself. I need not be afraid of the what ifs in life, but to embrace all of life's certainties and thrive off of them. And one thing I will always know is that God will accompany me through my life. Through my mistakes and triumphs; I'll never be alone. So I have this to say to my readers; Please keep your head high and your dreams alive. No one can put a limit on you besides yourself. Remember that you're beautiful and you will never walk this Earth alone. Find the confidence in yourself to break out of your shell. Live life, laugh a lot, and enjoy this beautiful world that surrounds you everyday.

Talent.

God has given everyone a gift. A talent if you will. Some people dance, some people play instruments, and some people have the ability to sing as well as an angel. While I personally display mediocrity in musical areas, my true talent is writing. It is my gift from God and I inter to use it to the fullest extent. However, each time I write a new blog entry, I hesitate to post it. There is something about writing that makes you more emotionally attached to every word you've written on the page. (That applies to any type of writing, lyrical as well.) while singing or performing in front of audience also makes you vulnerable, it's not the same as publishing what you write. Writing is so much more concrete. It can be revisited, quoted and even manipulated. Where as a bad performance slowly fades away over time. A good writer pulls her material from her heart. Let's her soul take over and just let's the words spill on to the page. That free flow of thought is what makes it so hard to post. Fear of ridicule, fear of not being accepted for who you are or what you think overwhelms you before you post what you've written. It's your inner most thoughts. The most raw and real parts of your being, broadcasted for the world to read. Yet why should you fear? If God has given you the ability to acknowledge that it's your gift, why hide from that? You must trust Him for he knows what we need. Don't fear what you're good at; embrace it. Use it to show the world who you really are. Walk in the light with God. Use your gift to spread His word and glory. Confidence exudes great beauty; so be confident in what you have. Weaknesses will not overcome you f you shine in what you were destined to excel at. God loves you and wants you to be happy and celebrate life!

Consumed.

I've been consumed, enveloped really, by God. I've handed my being to Him. My heart and my soul is in His arms now, and I trust Him to love me and guide me through the rest of my life. I've long understood that this world is not perfect, but what I realize now is that it's not meant to be perfect. For if it was, we wouldn't need a God to pray to, or a God to look to for guidance. He is perfect, and we must not question what He does, for it is for a reason. I've been so angry in the past, filled with such disbelief that something so great could exist above me. Filled with such hate, I kept spiraling down into a dark, unforgiving place. Then I found salvation. Through people like Macy Maloy, Cameron Mitchell, and my wonderful Aunt, God was reintroduced into my life. I became curious of what He had to offer, and I started reading and praying. (Please excuse the tangent I'm about to go on.)
Shortly after that, my Great Uncle became seriously ill and worry began to overtake me. He was a man of anger, bitterness, and alcohol; I was afraid that he would not be able to find peace with God and walk in heaven after he passed on. So I prayed for him every night until his passing. And the day after he died, I had the most wonderful dream. We were attending the funeral and I was the last to enter the church. Everyone else was seated. As I was walking in, I saw my Uncle, dressed in white, smiling and standing tall. He was no longer crippled with sickness and pain, he looked at peace. He smiled at me as he walked down the isle of the church, touching the shoulder of his wife and brother as the light in the room grew brighter and he eventually dissipated into the warm, beautiful light.
That dream to me was solidification that a God does exist. God reached out to me that night, reassuring my fears; answering my prayers. I do believe that he hears our prayers, and that he will love and guide anyone willing to love and follow him. I pray every night now. I attend church. I listen to what others have to teach me about Him, and I try to teach others what I know. If anything, remember this: "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." Everyone goes through a time in their life where things aren't going well, where you feel like everything is falling apart and all is hopeless. When it gets like that, look to God. God will guide you in the direction of happiness if you just have faith.

Forgetting How Blessed I Am

Written Nov. 14th, 2011

Isn't it so easy to get preoccupied with everything that you don't have in life? Wants are unlimited and ever changing, so knowing the impossibility of true satisfaction in life, how can we ever expect to be happy? I don't have a solid answer to that question, but I've recently come to a realization on a couple ways to achieve that satisfaction and happiness that everyone looks for in life. First off, be happy with life now. Cherish what you have because it goes by so fast. Why worry about the future? Find something or someone that makes you happy and embrace it. Hold onto it for as long as you can. Life is too short to worry if everything you do is exactly right. Mistakes are guidelines or stepping stones that point us in the path of what we're truly aiming for; we often just don't realize that. The second key to happiness and satisfaction is to find and live out your passions. Whether that is music, writing, or drawing, always do what you love. God put you on Earth to be yourself and live the life you want to live--not to please anyone else. Lastly, you should have the ability to hope and truly have faith in something that will drive you to see light and beauty in the darkest of situations. As the saying goes, "God works in mysterious ways." If you have faith in him, if you love him; he will guide you and accompany you through a wonderful life. A life where you are able to see beauty in the simplest things that most overlook, and a life where you will infect others with the joy and wealth of love. Today was I day I forgot that all of these wonderful things surrounded me. When I realized one again how blessed I truly am, my heart soared falling into the arms of heaven's angels once again.

Understanding Myself

Written Nov. 7th 2011
 
So many people say that you should embrace who you are, but what does that mean for all the people who have no idea who they are at all? Because that would include myself. What does it mean when you've gotten to the point where you're so lost in trying to find yourself that when you look in the mirror, there's a disconnect between you and the person looking back. Just another blank face with empty eyes reinforcing the hole in your chest where you know true passion should lie. Why is it that as years go by, parts of your life begin to wilt away, people come and go, goodbyes become harder and you still don't know the direction your heading in. In my mind I've got a basic plan; college>career>love>marriage>family>done. The American dream. But that's so vague, so uniform. So...boring. What about all the filler space? What goes in between? That's where I begin to question who I am, who I want to be, and what I should pursue in my life. Should I be an athlete? A musician? A writer? So much pressure builds up around you because you're trying to fit the ideals of society and please everyone else. That's what leads to my overarching question. How is anyone expected to be themselves when they have to worry about fitting within the lines of social acceptance? I think that's why I get so lost. Why can't I piece different things together to make an ideal life that makes me happy? Nothing is physically stopping me...Yet it's so difficult. It's difficult to show people exactly who or what you are because it makes you vulnerable. And vulnerability is a scary thing. So knowing my underlying fears, I challenge myself. I challenge myself to show my writing to someone I know. To someone who would have the opportunity to tear me down. I encourage you to do the same. Put yourself out there and just see what happens. It can only make you stronger. Because I think that if we get past the fear of vulnerability, we'll begin to understand and accept who we want to be, and no longer be afraid to show it.

Why I write.

To those who may read this,

I just would like to clarify why I created this blog. This isn't a journal or a diary. It's not a simple record of the occurrences in my daily life. It's so much more than that. This is a blog that will soon hold my biggest dreams, deepest desires, and grittiest truths. I'm not writing because I think I have talent to be discovered or because I want to be recognized and become famous. I'm writing because words are the one way I truly know how to connect with other people. By getting out what I feel, or by writing down what's eating at me gives other people something to relate to. Doing this is a journey for myself. A journey for discovering who I really am, and I pray to God to please give me the courage to let me be myself. Because I'm tired of hiding. We only get to live once, so why should I run away from the person I want to be? I have the divine right to express myself and I shouldn't have to fear being judged for that. I can't guarantee this is going to be profound or all inspiring. It may be sad, random, angry, or any other possible adjective you can think of. I'm done hiding how I feel, my opinions, dreams, desires, etc. I want people to see that there are so many people in the world that you can relate to, and you'll never be alone. Whether I inspire you to write, or inspire you to laugh at what I have to say, I'm still creating an impact. I'm still doing what I love to do, and ultimately thats all that matters. I don't know for certain people exist that feel what I feel, or desire what I want,but I strongly believe there is. And I pray to God that I find them and that they find me so I know that

Words.words.words.

Words are a wonderful thing. They can do practically anything: emit emotion, connect people, fill spaces, and much more. It amazes me how we reuse the same words, sentences, and phrases over and over, yet the impact and meaning of them never diminish. Without words, emotion would not exist. I take that back; emotion would exist, it just wouldn't be expressed.

Pablo Neruda, a famous Chilean poet, once said:

“The books that help you most are those which make you think that most. The hardest way of learning is that of easy reading; but a great book that comes from a great thinker is a ship of thought, deep freighted with truth and beauty.”

To me, that sums up the power that words can have over a person. How infectious they are with emotion. If I did not write, my life would be empty. All of these thoughts would soon become a part of forgotten memories; lost forever. This is why I write. Not because I want to create something profound, but because I want to connect to others. I want my words to invade your body and touch your heart and soul. I want to inspire your own writing voice. I promise that if you spread my voice and my writing, and help me achieve my dream, I will do anything to help you with yours.

Broken

So much of my life seems to be ending.. Pieces of me are wearing away, pieces that have been there since I have been able to make decisions for myself. I'm learning about people in ways I wish I didn't have to. Last year I wrote an argument paper on whether people are essentially good and choose to be evil, or if people are essentially evil and choose to be good. I chose naturally that people are essentially good; oh how naive I was! I've learned that you can rarely trust someone. That people don't always have the best intentions, and the only person truly looking out for you entirely is yourself. No one else will ever understand what your true feelings are, they walk over you, take advantage of you, and they don't care what they break along the way. I do believe there are good people in the world, and I believe that someday God will help me find happiness, and help me find someone to share that happiness with. If I were to have one thing in life, it would be to find that one person, that person that loves you unconditionally. The one that accepts you at your worst, and adores you at your best. I want a best friend, a lover, someones to grow old with and share all the joys and sorrows of life with. If I were to have nothing else, I'd be perfectly content with just that.