Can't Take This.

I can't take this anymore, there's just too much pain to be able to withstand. There is a hole burning through my chest where my heart once existed. I don't understand how it came to this...I guess I've done this to myself. I pushed you away when I was weak, and now I guess I'll have to pay for that. I'm so sorry for everything; I was wrong. I thought I was branching out and growing up so I no longer needed you. But that was when I really needed you the most. I want someone to share my life with. Without someone to talk to, everything I do is meaningless. My accomplishments feel empty and worthless. I never wanted to hurt you, but I guess I did. Please just listen to me when I say that I still love you. I never stopped loving you. And I don't know if I ever will. I don't think you feel the same way anymore, but I understand that. I had a chance and I blew it. I don't deserve you..no you're too good for me. I was broken before I met you and I carried that along with me. It was my fault for us ending, and now I'm paying the price for that. Whenever you need a friend, I'll be there for you. I'm not going anywhere and please remember that. As for me, I'll always be broken. There will always be a little piece of emptiness that lives inside of me. But I know that no matter what, I'll never be alone. I am God's child and he loves me no matter the mistakes I've made, or the paths that I should've, but have not taken. So I suppose this is goodbye for now, but I'll never be able to say goodbye forever.

Just Waiting.

I'm sitting in the library during study hall right now and my mind can't rest. I can't help but think how none of this is what I really want. And right now I feel stuck. Stuck in the life I've created for myself. The more I reflect on the person I am, the more I realize that I'm the only one standing in the way of the person I want to be. I always feel so alone, so isolated from everyone and I've never really understood why. But I think I'm starting to figure it out; I'm the one pulling away. I'm pulling away from the life I've made because I know it isn't truly a hundred percent who I am. Yet I fail to express the person that really exists inside of me because I'm scared to admit who that person is. I'm afraid I won't be accepted, but mostly I'm afraid that I'll never be loved. And in my fear I'm creating this wall. This indestructible barrier that is slowly withdrawing me further and further away from reality. I'm just starting my adult life and I can't afford to live it any other way than being true to myself. We only get one shot at this whole thing, and I don't want to screw it up and live a life full of regrets. From this point on, I free myself from living life as a coward. I need to break out; I need to live. I want to experience so much of the world and that's never going to happen if I don't believe in myself. I need not be afraid of the what ifs in life, but to embrace all of life's certainties and thrive off of them. And one thing I will always know is that God will accompany me through my life. Through my mistakes and triumphs; I'll never be alone. So I have this to say to my readers; Please keep your head high and your dreams alive. No one can put a limit on you besides yourself. Remember that you're beautiful and you will never walk this Earth alone. Find the confidence in yourself to break out of your shell. Live life, laugh a lot, and enjoy this beautiful world that surrounds you everyday.

Talent.

God has given everyone a gift. A talent if you will. Some people dance, some people play instruments, and some people have the ability to sing as well as an angel. While I personally display mediocrity in musical areas, my true talent is writing. It is my gift from God and I inter to use it to the fullest extent. However, each time I write a new blog entry, I hesitate to post it. There is something about writing that makes you more emotionally attached to every word you've written on the page. (That applies to any type of writing, lyrical as well.) while singing or performing in front of audience also makes you vulnerable, it's not the same as publishing what you write. Writing is so much more concrete. It can be revisited, quoted and even manipulated. Where as a bad performance slowly fades away over time. A good writer pulls her material from her heart. Let's her soul take over and just let's the words spill on to the page. That free flow of thought is what makes it so hard to post. Fear of ridicule, fear of not being accepted for who you are or what you think overwhelms you before you post what you've written. It's your inner most thoughts. The most raw and real parts of your being, broadcasted for the world to read. Yet why should you fear? If God has given you the ability to acknowledge that it's your gift, why hide from that? You must trust Him for he knows what we need. Don't fear what you're good at; embrace it. Use it to show the world who you really are. Walk in the light with God. Use your gift to spread His word and glory. Confidence exudes great beauty; so be confident in what you have. Weaknesses will not overcome you f you shine in what you were destined to excel at. God loves you and wants you to be happy and celebrate life!

Consumed.

I've been consumed, enveloped really, by God. I've handed my being to Him. My heart and my soul is in His arms now, and I trust Him to love me and guide me through the rest of my life. I've long understood that this world is not perfect, but what I realize now is that it's not meant to be perfect. For if it was, we wouldn't need a God to pray to, or a God to look to for guidance. He is perfect, and we must not question what He does, for it is for a reason. I've been so angry in the past, filled with such disbelief that something so great could exist above me. Filled with such hate, I kept spiraling down into a dark, unforgiving place. Then I found salvation. Through people like Macy Maloy, Cameron Mitchell, and my wonderful Aunt, God was reintroduced into my life. I became curious of what He had to offer, and I started reading and praying. (Please excuse the tangent I'm about to go on.)
Shortly after that, my Great Uncle became seriously ill and worry began to overtake me. He was a man of anger, bitterness, and alcohol; I was afraid that he would not be able to find peace with God and walk in heaven after he passed on. So I prayed for him every night until his passing. And the day after he died, I had the most wonderful dream. We were attending the funeral and I was the last to enter the church. Everyone else was seated. As I was walking in, I saw my Uncle, dressed in white, smiling and standing tall. He was no longer crippled with sickness and pain, he looked at peace. He smiled at me as he walked down the isle of the church, touching the shoulder of his wife and brother as the light in the room grew brighter and he eventually dissipated into the warm, beautiful light.
That dream to me was solidification that a God does exist. God reached out to me that night, reassuring my fears; answering my prayers. I do believe that he hears our prayers, and that he will love and guide anyone willing to love and follow him. I pray every night now. I attend church. I listen to what others have to teach me about Him, and I try to teach others what I know. If anything, remember this: "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." Everyone goes through a time in their life where things aren't going well, where you feel like everything is falling apart and all is hopeless. When it gets like that, look to God. God will guide you in the direction of happiness if you just have faith.

Forgetting How Blessed I Am

Written Nov. 14th, 2011

Isn't it so easy to get preoccupied with everything that you don't have in life? Wants are unlimited and ever changing, so knowing the impossibility of true satisfaction in life, how can we ever expect to be happy? I don't have a solid answer to that question, but I've recently come to a realization on a couple ways to achieve that satisfaction and happiness that everyone looks for in life. First off, be happy with life now. Cherish what you have because it goes by so fast. Why worry about the future? Find something or someone that makes you happy and embrace it. Hold onto it for as long as you can. Life is too short to worry if everything you do is exactly right. Mistakes are guidelines or stepping stones that point us in the path of what we're truly aiming for; we often just don't realize that. The second key to happiness and satisfaction is to find and live out your passions. Whether that is music, writing, or drawing, always do what you love. God put you on Earth to be yourself and live the life you want to live--not to please anyone else. Lastly, you should have the ability to hope and truly have faith in something that will drive you to see light and beauty in the darkest of situations. As the saying goes, "God works in mysterious ways." If you have faith in him, if you love him; he will guide you and accompany you through a wonderful life. A life where you are able to see beauty in the simplest things that most overlook, and a life where you will infect others with the joy and wealth of love. Today was I day I forgot that all of these wonderful things surrounded me. When I realized one again how blessed I truly am, my heart soared falling into the arms of heaven's angels once again.

Understanding Myself

Written Nov. 7th 2011
 
So many people say that you should embrace who you are, but what does that mean for all the people who have no idea who they are at all? Because that would include myself. What does it mean when you've gotten to the point where you're so lost in trying to find yourself that when you look in the mirror, there's a disconnect between you and the person looking back. Just another blank face with empty eyes reinforcing the hole in your chest where you know true passion should lie. Why is it that as years go by, parts of your life begin to wilt away, people come and go, goodbyes become harder and you still don't know the direction your heading in. In my mind I've got a basic plan; college>career>love>marriage>family>done. The American dream. But that's so vague, so uniform. So...boring. What about all the filler space? What goes in between? That's where I begin to question who I am, who I want to be, and what I should pursue in my life. Should I be an athlete? A musician? A writer? So much pressure builds up around you because you're trying to fit the ideals of society and please everyone else. That's what leads to my overarching question. How is anyone expected to be themselves when they have to worry about fitting within the lines of social acceptance? I think that's why I get so lost. Why can't I piece different things together to make an ideal life that makes me happy? Nothing is physically stopping me...Yet it's so difficult. It's difficult to show people exactly who or what you are because it makes you vulnerable. And vulnerability is a scary thing. So knowing my underlying fears, I challenge myself. I challenge myself to show my writing to someone I know. To someone who would have the opportunity to tear me down. I encourage you to do the same. Put yourself out there and just see what happens. It can only make you stronger. Because I think that if we get past the fear of vulnerability, we'll begin to understand and accept who we want to be, and no longer be afraid to show it.

Why I write.

To those who may read this,

I just would like to clarify why I created this blog. This isn't a journal or a diary. It's not a simple record of the occurrences in my daily life. It's so much more than that. This is a blog that will soon hold my biggest dreams, deepest desires, and grittiest truths. I'm not writing because I think I have talent to be discovered or because I want to be recognized and become famous. I'm writing because words are the one way I truly know how to connect with other people. By getting out what I feel, or by writing down what's eating at me gives other people something to relate to. Doing this is a journey for myself. A journey for discovering who I really am, and I pray to God to please give me the courage to let me be myself. Because I'm tired of hiding. We only get to live once, so why should I run away from the person I want to be? I have the divine right to express myself and I shouldn't have to fear being judged for that. I can't guarantee this is going to be profound or all inspiring. It may be sad, random, angry, or any other possible adjective you can think of. I'm done hiding how I feel, my opinions, dreams, desires, etc. I want people to see that there are so many people in the world that you can relate to, and you'll never be alone. Whether I inspire you to write, or inspire you to laugh at what I have to say, I'm still creating an impact. I'm still doing what I love to do, and ultimately thats all that matters. I don't know for certain people exist that feel what I feel, or desire what I want,but I strongly believe there is. And I pray to God that I find them and that they find me so I know that

Words.words.words.

Words are a wonderful thing. They can do practically anything: emit emotion, connect people, fill spaces, and much more. It amazes me how we reuse the same words, sentences, and phrases over and over, yet the impact and meaning of them never diminish. Without words, emotion would not exist. I take that back; emotion would exist, it just wouldn't be expressed.

Pablo Neruda, a famous Chilean poet, once said:

“The books that help you most are those which make you think that most. The hardest way of learning is that of easy reading; but a great book that comes from a great thinker is a ship of thought, deep freighted with truth and beauty.”

To me, that sums up the power that words can have over a person. How infectious they are with emotion. If I did not write, my life would be empty. All of these thoughts would soon become a part of forgotten memories; lost forever. This is why I write. Not because I want to create something profound, but because I want to connect to others. I want my words to invade your body and touch your heart and soul. I want to inspire your own writing voice. I promise that if you spread my voice and my writing, and help me achieve my dream, I will do anything to help you with yours.

Broken

So much of my life seems to be ending.. Pieces of me are wearing away, pieces that have been there since I have been able to make decisions for myself. I'm learning about people in ways I wish I didn't have to. Last year I wrote an argument paper on whether people are essentially good and choose to be evil, or if people are essentially evil and choose to be good. I chose naturally that people are essentially good; oh how naive I was! I've learned that you can rarely trust someone. That people don't always have the best intentions, and the only person truly looking out for you entirely is yourself. No one else will ever understand what your true feelings are, they walk over you, take advantage of you, and they don't care what they break along the way. I do believe there are good people in the world, and I believe that someday God will help me find happiness, and help me find someone to share that happiness with. If I were to have one thing in life, it would be to find that one person, that person that loves you unconditionally. The one that accepts you at your worst, and adores you at your best. I want a best friend, a lover, someones to grow old with and share all the joys and sorrows of life with. If I were to have nothing else, I'd be perfectly content with just that.

Still lost

 And I still don't know what I'm doing or where I am yet. I know where I want to be, but I think that's my problem. I keep wanting to live ahead, to see whats coming next. I'm completely ignoring what's going on right now, in this moment. And I just don't understand why I do it because I keep telling myself to stop and to see whats in front of me, but I can't. I've grown accustomed to this fear of reality, and I don't know how to break it. I'm trying though, trying so hard... I've got it in me, I just know it. I just need to find whats missing right now, I just feel empty and I don't know what can fill that void. It isn't love, I know that. I've known what it feels like to be head over heels in love, and that isn't what I want. I need help finding this thing, so I'm turning to God. I need guidance and maybe He can help. Maybe He can point me towards the right path, the path where I'll finally feel something again. Because honestly, that's all I need right now. To feel.

And I've been dreaming too long

I love to sleep, but only because I love to dream. Everything about my dreams are so ideal, everything exactly how I want it now and in the future. It is a nice thing, being able to dream. But the only issue I'm having is I'm spending so much time obsessing over and living in these dreams that I'm forgetting to live in this world. I'm letting life pass me by for some fantasy land I've create in my head. A place where I'm the lucky girl that these dreamy musicians and teen stars fall in love with me because they see past my exterior and recognize something special. Then they sweep me off my feet and love me forever so then I never have to worry about being hurt again. And I can finally think, I'm safe now. But I have to stop carrying such wild desires into my normal life. It's unhealthy and really damaging. Life wasnt meant to be a safe thing. We're supposed to vulnerable and fall down, thats just how this crazy world works.I don't want to be so caught up in things such as these so that everything passes me by in a blur and I'm left alone because I couldn't find that perfect person that's been conjured up in my head the past however many years. I need to take grasp of reality and just embrace it. I need to accept exactly who I want to be , and just be it. Or else i'll live the rest of my life in one big regret, never knowing if I chose the right things. From now on I'm accepting not only myself, but everyone else too. I've got to realize they're who they ate for a reason, and this is exactly how God wanted it to be.