Still lost

 And I still don't know what I'm doing or where I am yet. I know where I want to be, but I think that's my problem. I keep wanting to live ahead, to see whats coming next. I'm completely ignoring what's going on right now, in this moment. And I just don't understand why I do it because I keep telling myself to stop and to see whats in front of me, but I can't. I've grown accustomed to this fear of reality, and I don't know how to break it. I'm trying though, trying so hard... I've got it in me, I just know it. I just need to find whats missing right now, I just feel empty and I don't know what can fill that void. It isn't love, I know that. I've known what it feels like to be head over heels in love, and that isn't what I want. I need help finding this thing, so I'm turning to God. I need guidance and maybe He can help. Maybe He can point me towards the right path, the path where I'll finally feel something again. Because honestly, that's all I need right now. To feel.

And I've been dreaming too long

I love to sleep, but only because I love to dream. Everything about my dreams are so ideal, everything exactly how I want it now and in the future. It is a nice thing, being able to dream. But the only issue I'm having is I'm spending so much time obsessing over and living in these dreams that I'm forgetting to live in this world. I'm letting life pass me by for some fantasy land I've create in my head. A place where I'm the lucky girl that these dreamy musicians and teen stars fall in love with me because they see past my exterior and recognize something special. Then they sweep me off my feet and love me forever so then I never have to worry about being hurt again. And I can finally think, I'm safe now. But I have to stop carrying such wild desires into my normal life. It's unhealthy and really damaging. Life wasnt meant to be a safe thing. We're supposed to vulnerable and fall down, thats just how this crazy world works.I don't want to be so caught up in things such as these so that everything passes me by in a blur and I'm left alone because I couldn't find that perfect person that's been conjured up in my head the past however many years. I need to take grasp of reality and just embrace it. I need to accept exactly who I want to be , and just be it. Or else i'll live the rest of my life in one big regret, never knowing if I chose the right things. From now on I'm accepting not only myself, but everyone else too. I've got to realize they're who they ate for a reason, and this is exactly how God wanted it to be.