Destined;

Do you ever get the notion that you are just destined for a particular thing in your life? Maybe it's that you're meant to have a specific job, or travel somewhere. For me, I feel like I hold a destiny to something that is so wonderful, yet so hard to come by. I know that I am destined to be deeply in love with one person from a young age, for my entire life. I feel that there is a story stitched into my soul that speaks of tender kisses, cozy nights, and other various ways of showering someone with love. However, this destiny has condemned me with lonely and heavy heart until the day that I find this person to fulfill my emptiness.

Up until recently I felt that I would never find that person. And now that I've met someone that could potentially be it, I'm scared out of my mind. He has all the power in the entire universe to knock me down, crush me, and leave me barely gasping for air. I feel as though without his touch or embrace my heart will sink into my stomach and my eyes will become lifeless and absent. As will my mind. I have such a passion in my soul to completely give myself over to another person, yet fear lurks in every corner of my mind. I don't know how I can change, and I definitely don't know how I can continue to live like this. I really just feel as though I'm crumbling and falling through the cracks of everything that I'm expecting my life to be. I just want to be happy... and I want to make someone else happy.

For the first time;

For the first time in my life I actually feel that something in my life is going right. I no longer feel useless and like everything I do has no point to it. For so long I've been looking for someone to live for; and right now I may have finally found that person. I've always dreamed of meeting "the one" like people do in movies. Smiling at someone from across the room; not being able to tear your gaze from them. Just having that feeling...just knowing that you need to talk to this person. I'd always thought this was a pipe dream; it doesn't happen and it definitely would never happen to me. Well, I don't usually like to admit this but... I was wrong about this one. Exactly what I just described happened to ME. Me of all people in the world.

From the moment I walked into the church for the wedding I was attending and I saw him, I knew that I had to talk to him. Oh and how coincidental that we ended up next to each other in line for communion. It wasn't until after the ceremony where I actually met him. When he shook my hand, he looked into my eyes and that was it for me. I was diving into oceans; drowning in them. I didn't realize until afterwards that I was so distracted that I didn't even hear him say his name... My dad chose to sit at the table that he and his family were at and I talked with him a little, and his parents as well. But all I could think was, "Was he looking at me?" Sure enough, we made eye contact a few times while sitting at the table. He left, I left; and I had to wait four hours until the reception when I could maybe get the chance to talk to him again. Well and also find out his name...

Upon arriving at the reception my father informed me of his name and that he was a junior in college; two years older than myself. So it was my big chance! Just go up and talk to him right?! Wrong. I kept chickening out the entire night to make my big move. I made eye contact with him throughout the entire night and even a couple smiles here and there. When he said hi to me, I just about fell over. Well that was mostly because of the five inch heels I was wearing... but anyways. I was excited because I had finally thought, oh my gosh he's interested! Until....I saw him bring another girl on the dance floor. It was of course the Civil War type dances, so nothing to be jealous of, but I just doubted that he was interested at that point. We did make eye contact again though as he circled around the dance floor and I just knew that if I didn't talk to him, I would forever regret it.

Finally, after putting myself under the utmost pressure for hours on end, I pretended to follow my dad into the bar area where he just happened to be walking and quite smoothly struck up a conversation. Well, he had helped with that part too... So it just kind of took off from there. He complimented my dress, belt, shoes; and I complimented his suspenders. We talked of our interests and to both our surprise we had much more in common than anticipated. We both enjoyed classical music, poetry, video games, and many other things. We talked for awhile, I don't even know how much time. But most importantly, he asked me to see him again; and of course I agreed! We exchanged numbers and little did I know the level of interest he had in me. I spent the car ride home giddy and uncertain, texting my best friend as if I were back in middle school. I then proceeded to talk to her on the phone for an hour while she reassured me that he was interested. I then contemplated when to text him if he didn't text me and just as I had decided to the next night if I didn't hear from him, an incoming text from him was received. I was speechless.

We talked that night from about 12:30 to 2:30 and he had just the most lovely things to say. When he said that I had the prettiest eyes, making it hard to say good bye; I just about fell over. And this time it wasn't because of the shoes I was wearing. He's sweet, charming, and has the most adorable side smirk smile that I've ever seen in my entire life. And lucky me, I get to see him tomorrow. So I leave you now with this story that is probably only wonderful to me, and really drawn out to you. But the point here is that I have the feeling that this will be the start of something really great for me. And hopefully he feels the same way in relevance to him as well.

And I'm just dreaming again;

Why do I always end up here? I always end up feeling lonely and just wanting someone there to change that. For the first time I thought that I was finding that person I needed, that I was finally connecting to someone that could change everything. That could make me feel worth something; and someone that I could share my love with. However, now I'm not so sure that that's true. Everything that I thought was a sign that he was actually interested, may just have been simple acts of kindness. I'm the one who's turning it into these fantasies of soon to be kisses and moments spent together. None of it actually exists yet... and I'm wondering if any of it ever will. I just wish I wasn't looking for someone so... desperately! I mean because of this I could be missing someone that's right there in front of me. I just can't help it though. I meant to give love and happiness to another person; I'm meant to spend my life with someone. And every person I meet, I dream of them being that person. This battle is impossible and I feel as if I'm just going to be another causality, another thing forgotten. My heart aches and is missing something vital; or someone vital. I thought that by being around so many new people I'd finally work up my courage and confidence, but it's actually worsening. I hope that I'm just paranoid. I hope that my fears don't become my reality, or worse; I hope my fears don't ruin reality. I guess all I can do is wait and see... who knows. Anything can happen, right?

Sweet mornings

It's mornings like these that make me forget all that I've lost and all the pain I've felt. Your arms are wrapped around me, protecting me from the past and your touch protects me from my adverse thoughts. We woke up by each other this morning our noses touching, fingers entwined; forgetting the world around us. If I could freeze any moment and keep it forever I'd keep this one. The way sleep clouds your gaze, your soft touch running through my hair and down my neck; the only word to describe how I feel right now is content. And that is just the surface; I don't think that the right words even exist to explain what is going through my mind. You see right past how broken I am and you breathe new life into me. You're the only one who has the power to make me feel alive again, or make me feel at all for that matter. So long I've been seeing destruction and hopelessness in everything; but now you've given me new perspective. It's the afternoon and I'm no longer in your arms. I can feel sadness creeping up my back once again; but I don't worry because I know I'll be laying next to you again soon. Safe once again from my own subversion.

Last few moments;

Here I sit in my empty room; ghosts of the past and present float around my head. The future is teasing me, so very near: yet excitement hasn't completely overcome me. Who could be excited to leave a life with friends and family who understand you better than you understand yourself? Who have seen you at your absolute worst and they're still around... I know it's hard for me. However we all get to this point in our life where looking back is no longer an option, and looking forward is a necessity. For those who dwell on the past only waste their future. I am not one to waste, I am not one to squander; I am not one to let so many opportunities slip through the new, untethered flesh of my hands. I want to live a life that is neither ordinary, nor extraordinary. My goal isn't to make a million dollars, or become the face of some over priced product, but I would like to touch other peoples lives in an inspirational way. To be so inspiring that people let my words, my soul, penetrate into their hearts and bring new perspectives into their ways of thinking and feeling. So as I lay here on the last night before I move into college, I do not dwell on what I leave behind: I know those who love me will remain there supporting me. But I do let excitement overcome me. Excitement for a new life, with wonderful people, new love, and fulfillment of dreams; and whatever else the future holds for me.

Another poem,

You're haunting me,
Hiding in every corner of my mind.
Just when I thought you were gone,
I hear that same tired song.

You took my light love,
It even left me for you.
Everything that mattered to me,
Is washed up in the cold, dark waters.

All that I loved,
All that I lived for;
Lies in Boston with you.

So I'll go now,
Run to the west coast and maybe,
Maybe I can learn to live,
Without you.

Some poems for you;

So here are a collection of poems I've written. Some old, some new. Tell me what you think!

8/16/11
 I don't want to be loved, I want to inspire love.
I want to be a necessity for love,
Essential and desired.

8/16/11
I just want to experience this life.
No more holding me back.
I'm diving into this world alone.
It could end tragically,
Or wonderfully.
But here I come world.
Fate will find my home
in this unforgiving,
yet beautiful place.
I may not make it alive,
But I'll have truly lived.


That was some older stuff i recently stumbled upon, but here are some of my new pieces. Which do you like better?

7/30/12
You were only here
From sunrise to sunset.
Yet I wish it was
Summer to spring,
and again.
Summer to spring.

Your words fade each day,
And the distance between us
grows longer.
The absence stronger.

I wish you were here with me,
Today.
But you've been gone so long.
So many things left to say,
But you're nowhere near to hear.

I loved you, but
I don't think you loved me.
I want to love again,
But my love for you won't let me.


This is my favorite that I've written in awhile;
7/30/12

Today was a day,
where your oceans turned dark.
The cool blue pierced me,
chilled me deep into my restless soul.

The warmth of your sun,
is absent.
The warmth of my love,
is fading.

Dark days are passing,
and a cold rain touches my face.
All I want is for your love,
your love to come back again.

The emptiness I feel,
compares to the blackest of all the night skies.
Stars of hope glimmer in existence,
but the sun.

It always rises.