For the first time;

For the first time in my life I actually feel that something in my life is going right. I no longer feel useless and like everything I do has no point to it. For so long I've been looking for someone to live for; and right now I may have finally found that person. I've always dreamed of meeting "the one" like people do in movies. Smiling at someone from across the room; not being able to tear your gaze from them. Just having that feeling...just knowing that you need to talk to this person. I'd always thought this was a pipe dream; it doesn't happen and it definitely would never happen to me. Well, I don't usually like to admit this but... I was wrong about this one. Exactly what I just described happened to ME. Me of all people in the world.

From the moment I walked into the church for the wedding I was attending and I saw him, I knew that I had to talk to him. Oh and how coincidental that we ended up next to each other in line for communion. It wasn't until after the ceremony where I actually met him. When he shook my hand, he looked into my eyes and that was it for me. I was diving into oceans; drowning in them. I didn't realize until afterwards that I was so distracted that I didn't even hear him say his name... My dad chose to sit at the table that he and his family were at and I talked with him a little, and his parents as well. But all I could think was, "Was he looking at me?" Sure enough, we made eye contact a few times while sitting at the table. He left, I left; and I had to wait four hours until the reception when I could maybe get the chance to talk to him again. Well and also find out his name...

Upon arriving at the reception my father informed me of his name and that he was a junior in college; two years older than myself. So it was my big chance! Just go up and talk to him right?! Wrong. I kept chickening out the entire night to make my big move. I made eye contact with him throughout the entire night and even a couple smiles here and there. When he said hi to me, I just about fell over. Well that was mostly because of the five inch heels I was wearing... but anyways. I was excited because I had finally thought, oh my gosh he's interested! Until....I saw him bring another girl on the dance floor. It was of course the Civil War type dances, so nothing to be jealous of, but I just doubted that he was interested at that point. We did make eye contact again though as he circled around the dance floor and I just knew that if I didn't talk to him, I would forever regret it.

Finally, after putting myself under the utmost pressure for hours on end, I pretended to follow my dad into the bar area where he just happened to be walking and quite smoothly struck up a conversation. Well, he had helped with that part too... So it just kind of took off from there. He complimented my dress, belt, shoes; and I complimented his suspenders. We talked of our interests and to both our surprise we had much more in common than anticipated. We both enjoyed classical music, poetry, video games, and many other things. We talked for awhile, I don't even know how much time. But most importantly, he asked me to see him again; and of course I agreed! We exchanged numbers and little did I know the level of interest he had in me. I spent the car ride home giddy and uncertain, texting my best friend as if I were back in middle school. I then proceeded to talk to her on the phone for an hour while she reassured me that he was interested. I then contemplated when to text him if he didn't text me and just as I had decided to the next night if I didn't hear from him, an incoming text from him was received. I was speechless.

We talked that night from about 12:30 to 2:30 and he had just the most lovely things to say. When he said that I had the prettiest eyes, making it hard to say good bye; I just about fell over. And this time it wasn't because of the shoes I was wearing. He's sweet, charming, and has the most adorable side smirk smile that I've ever seen in my entire life. And lucky me, I get to see him tomorrow. So I leave you now with this story that is probably only wonderful to me, and really drawn out to you. But the point here is that I have the feeling that this will be the start of something really great for me. And hopefully he feels the same way in relevance to him as well.

And I'm just dreaming again;

Why do I always end up here? I always end up feeling lonely and just wanting someone there to change that. For the first time I thought that I was finding that person I needed, that I was finally connecting to someone that could change everything. That could make me feel worth something; and someone that I could share my love with. However, now I'm not so sure that that's true. Everything that I thought was a sign that he was actually interested, may just have been simple acts of kindness. I'm the one who's turning it into these fantasies of soon to be kisses and moments spent together. None of it actually exists yet... and I'm wondering if any of it ever will. I just wish I wasn't looking for someone so... desperately! I mean because of this I could be missing someone that's right there in front of me. I just can't help it though. I meant to give love and happiness to another person; I'm meant to spend my life with someone. And every person I meet, I dream of them being that person. This battle is impossible and I feel as if I'm just going to be another causality, another thing forgotten. My heart aches and is missing something vital; or someone vital. I thought that by being around so many new people I'd finally work up my courage and confidence, but it's actually worsening. I hope that I'm just paranoid. I hope that my fears don't become my reality, or worse; I hope my fears don't ruin reality. I guess all I can do is wait and see... who knows. Anything can happen, right?