Can't Take This.

I can't take this anymore, there's just too much pain to be able to withstand. There is a hole burning through my chest where my heart once existed. I don't understand how it came to this...I guess I've done this to myself. I pushed you away when I was weak, and now I guess I'll have to pay for that. I'm so sorry for everything; I was wrong. I thought I was branching out and growing up so I no longer needed you. But that was when I really needed you the most. I want someone to share my life with. Without someone to talk to, everything I do is meaningless. My accomplishments feel empty and worthless. I never wanted to hurt you, but I guess I did. Please just listen to me when I say that I still love you. I never stopped loving you. And I don't know if I ever will. I don't think you feel the same way anymore, but I understand that. I had a chance and I blew it. I don't deserve you..no you're too good for me. I was broken before I met you and I carried that along with me. It was my fault for us ending, and now I'm paying the price for that. Whenever you need a friend, I'll be there for you. I'm not going anywhere and please remember that. As for me, I'll always be broken. There will always be a little piece of emptiness that lives inside of me. But I know that no matter what, I'll never be alone. I am God's child and he loves me no matter the mistakes I've made, or the paths that I should've, but have not taken. So I suppose this is goodbye for now, but I'll never be able to say goodbye forever.

Just Waiting.

I'm sitting in the library during study hall right now and my mind can't rest. I can't help but think how none of this is what I really want. And right now I feel stuck. Stuck in the life I've created for myself. The more I reflect on the person I am, the more I realize that I'm the only one standing in the way of the person I want to be. I always feel so alone, so isolated from everyone and I've never really understood why. But I think I'm starting to figure it out; I'm the one pulling away. I'm pulling away from the life I've made because I know it isn't truly a hundred percent who I am. Yet I fail to express the person that really exists inside of me because I'm scared to admit who that person is. I'm afraid I won't be accepted, but mostly I'm afraid that I'll never be loved. And in my fear I'm creating this wall. This indestructible barrier that is slowly withdrawing me further and further away from reality. I'm just starting my adult life and I can't afford to live it any other way than being true to myself. We only get one shot at this whole thing, and I don't want to screw it up and live a life full of regrets. From this point on, I free myself from living life as a coward. I need to break out; I need to live. I want to experience so much of the world and that's never going to happen if I don't believe in myself. I need not be afraid of the what ifs in life, but to embrace all of life's certainties and thrive off of them. And one thing I will always know is that God will accompany me through my life. Through my mistakes and triumphs; I'll never be alone. So I have this to say to my readers; Please keep your head high and your dreams alive. No one can put a limit on you besides yourself. Remember that you're beautiful and you will never walk this Earth alone. Find the confidence in yourself to break out of your shell. Live life, laugh a lot, and enjoy this beautiful world that surrounds you everyday.

Talent.

God has given everyone a gift. A talent if you will. Some people dance, some people play instruments, and some people have the ability to sing as well as an angel. While I personally display mediocrity in musical areas, my true talent is writing. It is my gift from God and I inter to use it to the fullest extent. However, each time I write a new blog entry, I hesitate to post it. There is something about writing that makes you more emotionally attached to every word you've written on the page. (That applies to any type of writing, lyrical as well.) while singing or performing in front of audience also makes you vulnerable, it's not the same as publishing what you write. Writing is so much more concrete. It can be revisited, quoted and even manipulated. Where as a bad performance slowly fades away over time. A good writer pulls her material from her heart. Let's her soul take over and just let's the words spill on to the page. That free flow of thought is what makes it so hard to post. Fear of ridicule, fear of not being accepted for who you are or what you think overwhelms you before you post what you've written. It's your inner most thoughts. The most raw and real parts of your being, broadcasted for the world to read. Yet why should you fear? If God has given you the ability to acknowledge that it's your gift, why hide from that? You must trust Him for he knows what we need. Don't fear what you're good at; embrace it. Use it to show the world who you really are. Walk in the light with God. Use your gift to spread His word and glory. Confidence exudes great beauty; so be confident in what you have. Weaknesses will not overcome you f you shine in what you were destined to excel at. God loves you and wants you to be happy and celebrate life!